As children grow into toddlers, they express their feelings
with more than crying. They may tug at
the parent, point to what they want—like the refrigerator—or use a few words or
short phrases. When they get a response
that satisfies their needs, their feelings are regulated, trust and mutuality
abound, and the child’s emotional intelligence increases.
When children get to be three or four years old, they may
exhibit feelings by throwing temper tantrums.
Such behavior exhibits strong feelings brought about by feeling the loss
of control, usually during a power struggle with the parent. Underlying anger, or a hissy-fit, is a feeling of fear.
The child is fearful of not being able to maintain control.
Parents can help children learn to regulate their emotions
by maintaining order, usually be giving them permission to express their
feelings. “Go ahead and have your tantrum.
I can see you are really angry.
When you finish we can solve this problem, but I’m not going to watch
you while you are so upset.” Then, the
parent must turn away and let the child get these feelings out. Parents and children develop trust in each
other when the child has had a firm foundation of emotion regulation because
the child knows the parent cares and can let go of any fear of rejection or
abuse.
By the time children reach school age, they will have
developed their emotional intelligence, that is, their ability for regulating
their feelings. Children can get along
with others by being open, sharing feelings and considering the ideas and
feelings of others. The ability to
manage their emotions will make it possible to negotiate socially with others
by talking and interacting, either in person or with electronics such as
texting, with success. The greater their
ability to regulate emotions, the easier it will be for them to participate in
school and social activities without fear of feelings of failure and ridicule.
The center for all emotional responses is located primarily
in the mid-brain in the limbic system, “the feeling brain”. When children or adults are overly stimulated
with very strong negative or positive feelings, for example, the neo-cortex, “the
thinking brain,” begins to shut down and the person cannot think clearly. An example of this is when a student takes
and an exam. Even though the student
knows the material and has studied and prepared for the exam, he/she may blank
out on many of the test questions. This may stem from fear of what would
happened on the test. As soon as the
student turns in the paper in and leaves the room, the answers suddenly come to
mind. This indicates that the limbic
system is back in regulation and the neo-cortex and is working at full
capacity. This illustrations why it is
important to take the pressure off of students in order to facilitate emotion
regulation.
Emotional intelligence is a part of overall intelligence and
is therefore very important in a child’s development regardless of age. Those children without good attachments,
mutuality, love and trust with their parents from an early age may face serious
behavior problems in school and in life.
By the time they reach adulthood, they are faced with many decisions and
actions that require emotional stability.
Those with poorly regulated emotions often have difficulty getting along
with others because their feelings get in the way of their overall
intelligence. They may be high level thinkers,
talented and attractive; but if they cannot maintain their emotional health,
they will face multiple challenges and problems. From serious relationships problems to
criminal behavior, emotional stability is often the major factor that
interferes with one’s success in life.
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